SILENCE
I can't hear myself think! No, no, more accurately, my mind and senses are being inundated and I'm processing so much that I can't hear much else.
This year has seemingly been nothing less than a growing crescendo of cacophonous noise! I watch and listen as our communities, our country, and our world tirelessly careens from one scandal to another injustice to another protest, riot, act of terror, social political circus act, and ultimately war, and death.
News and events move so quickly that I find myself paying less and less attention. The sphere is revolving faster and faster. But none have said it better than William Butler Yeats,
"Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity..."
Identities...
Every month, week, and day it seems some new assault has occurred. As a black man I hear the calls and cries of the blacks in this county for justice and equality. As a gay man I hear the calls and cries for justice and equality for those who fall under the umbrella of "queer." As a male who understands the blessings of the sacred feminine, I hear the calls and cries of those fighting sexism and misogyny - justice and equality. As an American I hear the calls and cries for the ending of terror - for justice and vengeance. As a former devout Pentecostal Christian (a term I'm no longer sure is relevant to my current spiritual walk) I hear the calls and cries of those who feel they've been oppressed by something as simple as a red cup! And the list goes on and on and on.
Many of us are so attached to our labels, our titles, and our identities that we are willing to fight to the gates of hell and beyond to defend them - an ever "widening gyre" indeed.
Letting Go Of Habitual Attachment...
And yet the Spirit still speaks to some of us who have the mind, the heart, and the ears to hear, "Come away from there, widen your stance, become an observer." For me the message came a month or so ago during a guided meditation where I met with my spirit guide. In a few words she started to unravel my own pillars of securities, "You are not gay!" As the vision continued the sense of the message grew deeper. My spirit was not gay. As a matter of fact my spirit was no more gay than it was male, no more black than it was American, and no more Christian than it was any other title or label I've identified myself as.
In that moment and in the days to follow I started to understand a great truth and to hear a great challenge. Mother God was calling me to detach from the "costumes" (as my teacher calls it) that I have worn as a garment in this life. For when I die, my spirit will shed all these identities like old clothes. You see, truth be told, I had been growing weary and bored of all the tribal fighting around me - us against them. I could jump on bandwagon after bandwagon all the days of my life and still have more fights to wage for lifetimes to come. But no, I have found myself weary and no longer interested in waging war, fighting fights, and winning arguments. Essentially, my advocacy and activism have burnt me out.
So I'm slowly walking away and finding silence amidst the clapping of the thunderclouds!
Full Mindful Engagement
The Buddhists say that attachment is the seat of all pain and suffering. The more attached we get to a thing the more we often fear its loss. And in fear, we harbor all seeds and forms of suffering, pain, and anguish. This often leads many down an ascetic path, or the denial of worldly pleasures and indulgences in the interest of enlightenment. Many spiritual traditions esteem this path. Basically, the idea is that through denial, one goes inside themselves to find their connection to Oneness. They are, through denial, connecting to source.
However, I am not a Buddhist. My path has taken me down the more indulgent Tantric path (often a more dangerous path). Where as one of Buddhism's goals is freedom from suffering, Tantra's path is freedom from fear. Ultimately, both paths lead to the same place, Oneness. Tantra accomplishes this through FULL engagement. By choice, one chooses an activity, situation, and/or behavior and while fully engaging, one is also being fully mindful and examining the entire experience. Eventually, like myself, one usually tires of the experience, and like a habit, sets it aside for another experience. Through this full engagement, mindful examination, and eventual cessation, one sees themselves more fully in all things.
I have engaged mindfully as a black man, as a gay man, and as a Pentecostal Christian. In each case, I have examined these aspects of my "costume" and I have found them wanting. So much of the culture around these aspects of my identity I no longer identify with. I am not self-hating. I'm growing up! These cultural identities can no longer truly embody my understanding of myself as a divine human being. Do I hate and despise the temple I live in, absolutely not! My spirit has chosen, in this life, to be housed in this body with these proclivities. But I understand that they are only facades - temporary and transient.
Silence and Contemplation
So what do we do when there's nothing more to say? When all the arguments have been exhausted? When our feet are worn from marching? Our voices lost from yelling? And our hearts hardened from anger? What do we do?
I've personally grown far more objective - an observer, far more than I've ever been before. There will always be fights to fight. Wars to wage. Injustices to rectify. But where are we launching our assaults from - from temporary identities and frivolous labels, here today, gone tomorrow? A place of love or from fear?
Can I truly change the world by changing myself? Can I truly affect the world by reconnecting to source and remembering my own spirit nature of love, generosity, and (com)passion?
CAN LOVE TRULY DO ALL THE THINGS WE SAY IT CAN DO?!
Can a loving heart, mind, and soul truly change the world for good? I'm sitting in contemplation, listening for the answer, searching for the path, applying the practices I've been taught. Unfortunately, I do not believe I can truly find the answers I seek whilst clinging, with white-knuckled grip, to the labels and identities I thought represented my life on this planet. I must go beyond them. I must mature out of them. I must transcend them!
It's time to grow up!
This is the beginning of something new for me, yet something very, very old!
I send you love!
“Until I can see myself as one with my brother, my sister, my friend, and my foe, I can not truly know peace. I can not truly be whole!”