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At long last we have come, once again, to the end.
Year ends are always such introspective times for me; remembering all the things I've been through and all the laughter and great memories I've had as well as all the tears and heartbreaks I've experienced. This has been, hands down, one of the most rewarding, challenging, and heart-wrenching years since 2007 when I broke up with my last ex, Jared.
I'm crossing the bridge but I wanted to stop and reflect on the happenings of 2014!
Here are a few of the most impactful happenings of my year!
Gary R. Gardner - Budding photographer of America's Forgotten Places! Check out his work here, www.grgardner.com
Gary Gardner - Daddy
There comes a time in some relationships when the road and the visions of the two diverge. They say you don't know what you have until it's gone.
I met Gary in 2008 and we quickly became friends and for the past 6 years we have been two peas in a pod. The relationship evolved into a more substantial daddy/boy relationship. We traveled the world together and he offered me so many new experiences. I can honestly say that my life is forever changed because of this man.
This year, however, upon his retirement from 24 years of lobbying and with developments in my own personal love life (more about that later), hearts shifted and he sought out to find a lover of his own. I can't really blame him for the shift insofar as it was probably inevitable, but sometimes the depth of love is not quickly apparent until that love is threatened. This was the case with me.
Needless to say, as he ventured on into his new ventures and adventures, I was left trying to make sense of what was being lost, having no way of knowing how to sustain a relationship that was irrevocably changing. Through my own powerlessness, kicking and screaming, tears and heartbreak, I slowly had to let go of what was - for both of our sakes. It has NOT been easy and has taken the good part of this entire year to get to a healthy place where grief is not visited upon me every passing of the sun and moon.
I love Gary and always will. Although we are still friends and distance keeps us apart more and more now, I am proud of him. I know he has also been dealing with his own fear about the future, but like me, it is time to forge ahead.
You are forever in my heart, Sir! Thank you!
July 4, 2014 with dear friends at Mt. Rainier
Toby de Luca
When I first moved to Seattle in 2009, I started attending Liberation Ministries, an Inclusive Pentecostal Congregation. That is where I met Toby - a non-assuming, quiet, little church mouse of a boy. Over time we became friends but in December of 2012 that friendship took a more provocative turn. And after professing our mutual attraction all these years, we decided to give it a shot and started dating in 2013.
Fast forward to Oscar night 2014. After about 16 months of test driving our relationship, I decided to officially commit. Understand, I had sworn off dating again after my last boyfriend in 2007. (Yeah, yeah, bitter queen part of one!) And although I had lovers, no truly lasting commitment had been made. But I couldn't shake Toby and he couldn't shake me.
The turning point came when his Grandfather passed earlier this year. Toby went to attend the funeral in Eastern Washington and was to be gone a week. Thursday of that week I was getting ready for bed and whilst brushing my teeth in front of the bathroom mirror, I had a vision of sorts. Two toddler boys came running into the bathroom, one grabbing each leg and yelling, "Daddy, Daddy, where's Papa?"
I lost it!
Calling Toby, I shared the story. And moments later with both of us crying I realized that I needed to shit or get off the pot. I couldn't hold on to the pain of the past if I was going to truly embrace the joy of the future. And I did, commit. And through all the heartbreak I went through with Gary, Toby was there. Even in the midnight hours when I would wake up from bad dreams sobbing into my pillow. He was there. My tears became his and he became my strength and sounding board through countless hours of grief and pain.
I have come to describe my relationship with Toby like meeting someone you have shared many lifetimes with before. And upon meeting again say, "Oh, it's you again. So, where did we leave off last time?"
Thank you babe for all you do!
Spiritual Eros
After finishing the SF Intensive in April, 2014 - Don't we look tired?
There are times in my life journey when I turn around and wonder to myself, "how did I get here?" This year brought one the biggest developments of my life - Toby and I started our own business. Inside, I always knew that eventually I would be the owner of my own entrepreneurial venture, I just never thought it would be at my age and doing "sex work."
In 2013, after graduating with my MSW, I found myself unemployed for five months. This period gave me great time to figure out that what I ultimately wanted to do was strongly steeped in some form of spiritual and sexual healing work. I just didn't know, at the time, how I was to go about it. So I asked my Facebook community and a buddy of mine from San Francisco told me about the Sexological Bodywork Certification provided at the Institute of Advanced Study of Human Sexuality in San Francisco. And the Certification was created by none other than the founder of The Body Electric School, Joseph Kramer. Having attended one of the Body Electric Workshops a few years prior, I knew this was something that could potentially be life changing and very gratifying. And after sharing the information with Toby, there was a resounding "Yes!"
The decision to pursue this path didn't come without grave reservation, questions, and protest from my parents, who ultimately didn't (and probably still don't) understand what I was going to be doing. And honestly, it took me many months to adequately formulate what it was I was doing. My mother was interested in how this was going to bring people into the Church and how this coincided with the teachings of Christ. My father was rather adamant about me not cashing in my 5-year-old 401k to pay for the course and through very heated arguments and pointed discussions, this was the beginning of several silent months between us.
However, it was Gary who, (even though he didn't understand what it was I would be doing) supported my pursuit of it. I remember him saying to me that if I didn't take a risk on myself, no one else would. And he's been in my corner every step I've taken, cheering me on! And Toby and I moved forward. We enrolled, did the home study and practice, attended the two week intensive in San Francisco which was amazingly fun, concluded our practicum in June, and received our certification.
And through some amazingly serendipitous blessings, Toby and I found a place together. I had previously been staying at Gary's house while he was in Palm Springs for the Winter/Spring after having lived on my own for the past 4.5 years. My temp job ended in Feb. and I could no longer afford the every increasing rent. Our desire was to have a place to live and practice and low and behold we found a place with very little searching.
The Sanctuary
We call this "The Sanctuary." We found it on a Craigslist ad and never received a call back when inquiring about it. One day we were bummed because another place we were meaning to look at was applied for the day we were meant to view it and due to other cancellations that day, we were feeling pretty down and decided on a whim to check out this place. While we were walking back to our car after viewing the property, a woman stepped out of her unit and asked if she could help us. We informed her that we were interested in looking at the property but no one was returning our calls. She then stated that the property manager actually lived downstairs. At that very moment the property manager walked out of his unit. We got to talking, he showed us the place, we applied for it, and in a few days had our new home!
We moved in in July. Again, this was something I was very hesitant about, having had previous experiences of living with a previous partner. But I am convinced that, against my resistance, Spirit was determined to move me forward. There are times I wonder how things are going to work out and how things are going to get paid for, but, I'm learning to take it one day and one month at a time. So far so good.
The Studio
We set up our practice studio upstairs in the loft and after moving in, one of my clients gifted me with a massage table! Wow!
This space has truly been a blessing for both Toby and I and everyday we are grateful for the opportunity to be creating something new, beautiful, and healing in the world. And I am honored to have a partner by my side who has been more than supportive and as visionary as myself in this work. I am truly grateful.
You can check out our work here!
A New Year!
So a new year is upon us and there are some goals I am already ready to launch into. I need to get more serious and disciplined about my spiritual practices, finally start shopping around my manuscript for publishing, and kicking the business up a notch. I'm excited about what is coming and am truly blessed for all the friends and family that have seen me through this year. I am excited about the future and the prospects it brings!
Stay tuned! More is to come!
God bless you all and Happy New Year!
Toby and I by photographer Daniel G. Bernstein! Check him out at www.db-designs.org