What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore—
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over—
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?"Harlem" by Langston Hughes
This has been a very difficult year for me. There have been several bright spots. However, I cannot say that I'm sad to see this year end. I'm crossing this finish line more tired than I began, more bruised, more worn, and more vulnerable than I've been in a long time. Through it all I've been reminded of some valuable lessons.
There are no guarantees in this life. There are no absolutes. There are no promises that life credits to your account upon the completion of a new year, a tedious trial, or a well thought out plan gone awry. Playing by the rules does not always land you the expected outcome. Doing everything "right" doesn't always guarantee success. Sometimes trying does not garner you a pleasant conclusion.
I won't spend time trying to sugarcoat the seemingly unending trials of this year. A new Psychic/Medium I befriended stated a few weeks ago that my Ancestors were asking a lot of me in this time and I have apparently outgrown myself. What I thought of myself, who I've been in the world, and how I reasoned I should exist in it no longer serves me. The Garland I have been is no longer going to satisfy the Garland that needs to be.
Transmutation.
I looked forward to all the potential greatness and opportunities I thought this year would offer but it seemed that at every step I kept tripping over unforeseeable hurdles. I graduated with a Masters degree only to find myself unemployed a week before graduation. This, after a year of tailoring and implementing a strong and beneficial program for gay couples around testing, smarter sex, communication, and relationship-building skills and tools. What followed was a 5-month period of unemployment that completely decimated my finances and in the interim found me wrestling with three questions, all spawned by existential angst:
- Do I truly accept myself in all my complexities? (This question was born out of a stressed-induced emotional breakdown I had the night before my graduation/birthday party amongst the company of my visiting family and my best friends.)
- What version of God am I going to believe in? (This question was also born that same night but presented to me by my Tantra teacher a few days later.)
- What should I be doing in this world, How should I be in this world, and Who should I be? (After several job applications and dead end interviews, I was truly questioning the value of the degree I spent 3-years obtaining.)
These are no small questions that have no small answers. Thankfully I had the time to address and fairly resolve the first two. The third, however, remains a fruitful exploration. In the end I was offered a makeshift job at one of the local hospitals for three months, only then to come down with eye infections that left me practically blind for several days and home for a week and a half after having been on the job for only a week. With no insurance and barely any money, I was forced to rely on the financial support of my family and my closest friends. (This, after not being able to hear for several days due to wax blockage earlier this spring).
Had my faults been the sole reason for these "misfortunes", they'd be easier to swallow. But no, these trials were of no fault of my own and therefore, far more difficult for me to resolve. Indeed the rain falls on the just and the unjust alike.
I have lost control.
"In order to be a hollow bone, you must first be hollowed out!"
-Me
As is my nature, when events happen that seem out of my natural purview, I ask the question, "Why?" This question has become an unfolding revelation of sorts. The answer is rather simple while the ripple effects are far reaching.
Looking back, I realized that almost everything that I attempted to accomplish in regards to work, money, occupation, and career has failed. The more I tried the more disillusioned I became, the more I was let down, the more, seemingly obvious paths and opportunities, slipped through my fingers. However, I also realized that the only things that have worked out as planned were any and all attempts I made to enjoy my life, have fun, and play.
I had several moments of enjoyment this year. I bought my very first car (that I absolutely love). With a group of friends, I accomplished the longest motorcycle trip to date - 1200 miles from Seattle to Banff, Alberta (Totally felt like a conqueror after that). I attended my first Radical Faerie Gathering in August. I've had the opportunity to revisit three cities I've become fairly fond of as quick getaways: Vancouver, Vegas, and Palm Springs. I went on excursions through two different slot canyons (one that left me soaking wet and the other that left me covered in sand). I had the amazing opportunity to become part of a larger Tantric family whilst attending two different Tantra workshops. I was accepted into 2014's Sexological Body Work Certification program hosted by The Institute of Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. I was honored to be invited by Representative Jim Moeller to discuss ways to decriminalize HIV within the state of Washington. I created my very first website! And to top it off I DID graduate with my Masters degree with a 3.9 average.
Given more time, I'd be able to find other things that were bright spots this year. However, I believe the point has been driven home - I need to play more and seek out ways to have more fun. Play and Fun! That's what I am going to resolve to do in 2014! This year has seemingly stripped away from me the progress I tried so hard to achieve. And through these experiences I am learning a key aspect of myself - I've become far too cerebral and far too serious in my everyday life. I don't laugh as much as I would like. I don't dance as often as I should. I don't seek the pleasure of my entire body as is beneficial. Instead I have crippled my life by seeking perfection. I've become overly critical, judgmental, and cynical. I have become deathly afraid of making mistakes as they always seem to signify more work in having to correct them. This has also led me in becoming extremely short when other people (friends and family) make mistakes. I get impatient and short and often belligerent.
This is no longer serving me and is creating a Garland that is not always pleasant to be around but instead a person who is seemingly stuck in a situational dysthymia.
Remedying this will not be easy but I have learned a valuable truth this past week - The opposite of depression is play! And the Universe, God, Spirit is calling on me to take the risks, make mistakes, go with the flow, change my mind about things I held tried and true, have fun, play, play, play.
This is the call! I am answering it! I'm getting out of this desert!
Hello, 2014!